As ‘back to school’ ramps up once again, this seems like a good time to offer some sage (and likely controversial) advice to parents. Advance warning – some of you will completely disagree with what I say and be offended. So be it. I’m simply sharing my opinion. My website. My opinion. 
Mommas (and all parents and guardians alike), stop trying to force your teens into having the high school experience that you missed out on. You cannot live vicariously through your children. Actually you can …. but this is a recipe for disaster. It is self-serving and messes with natural development.
Just because you didn’t make the volleyball or soccer team in high school does not mean that your teen should do this for you. Just because you were involved with student council does mean that your teen should follow your footsteps. Just because you weren’t an honors student does not mean that your teen should be (or even can be for that matter). Just because you fell in with the ‘cool’ crowd (and I use that term, loosely) does mean that your teen will land there too.
Let your teen be the high school student that she is destined to be. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t encourage and support. It simply means that you shouldn’t force, shove, push, or dictate. Be mindful of this, Mommas.
Not only should we not try and force our teens into being the high school student that we were or were not, we also need to be realistic with our expectations. This goes beyond living vicariously through our children. This is about understanding our teens; their wants, needs, skills, and abilities.
Not everyone is destined to be an honors student. Not everyone has the same academic aptitudes. Not everyone is destined to attend post-secondary. Not everyone wants to attend post-secondary.
Mommas, stop. Stop right now and think about your teen. Really think about your teen. What is your teen interested in? What is your teen good at? What are her skills and abilities?
Now talk to your teen. Ask her the same questions. Her answers? Those are the right ones! (However, we must be mindful of the fact that sometimes our children don’t recognize their own strengths). Share with your teen your perspective. But, in the end, listen to hers.
Side-note: This would be a the perfect time for you to read my post The Key To Success For Youth.
As someone who has spent the last 30 years of her life in a high school setting, I can tell you that times have changed.
High schools are pressure cookers. Much of this pressure can be attributed to the competitive nature of society. In particular, I refer to the pressures of getting into post-secondary. Once upon a time, almost anyone could get into university. Not anymore. The grades required to get into post-secondary have become almost unattainable for many high school students.
A prime example of this is the daughter of a friend of mine. She had an overall core average of 92%. She didn’t get accepted into a University nursing program as her average was too low. Crazy, hey???
Trust me when I say that our high school students are well aware of this fact. So, when parents bombard students with expectations to achieve honors and perform, perform, perform, the pressure can be insurmountable.
Yes, we want our teens to achieve good grades. But, when this is the only message that they hear, what happens to their psyche when they get a poor grade? When we consistently remind them that they have to score higher and better if they want to get into university, we pack that pressure on.
I know of parents who have grounded their teens for a poor grade on a test. I know of parents who force their teens to spend 2-3 studying every night. Hmmmm – to each their own. But ….. seriously????
When I was a high school counsellor, over 50% of my time was spent working with students with depression and/or anxiety. Majority of these students were struggling with the fact that their grades weren’t strong enough to meet parental expectations and/or to get into post-secondary.
Side-note: There are ‘other’ ways to get into post-secondary. Please read my post entitled Back Door Ways To Get Into Post-Secondary for more information.
When we put so much value into test scores, aren’t we missing the big picture??? One test score, one final grade in a class, does not define a student. It is not the big picture. It is a snippet; a pixel of the whole portrait.
Mommas, stop with the extreme academic pressure! Our teens are going through enough without the added stress of having to deal with a parent who blows a gasket over a grade that doesn’t meet parental expectations.
A few months ago, I wrote a post entitled These Are Not The Best Days Of Your Life. That post describes some of the modern day problems that our high school students are facing. Read this, Mommas. Digest the information before you start putting excessive pressure on your teen.
What can/should we say to our teens as the new school year begins???
How about we put a positive spin on things?
I encourage you to head over to my Teens page for more articles on raising teens.
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Mommas supporting Mommas!!!
